It is about me:
clickMy Bloginality is INFJ
It's History
01.04
02.04
03.04
04.04
05.04
06.04
07.04
08.04
09.04
10.04
11.04
12.04
01.05
02.05
03.05
04.05
05.05
06.05
07.05
08.05
09.05
10.05
11.05
12.05
01.06
02.06
03.06
05.06
06.06
07.06
08.06
09.06
10.06
11.06
12.06
01.07
02.07
05.07
04.08
11.08
06.11
01.12
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The topic of Karma seems to be swirling around my conscious lately. I'm recently more aware of my own words and actions than I normally am. Too often it is easy to make fun of traits, characteristics or personality quirks of others. Do we do it just to be mean or do we do it on the sly not really meaning for it to hurt the recipient? For some, it is easy to make the less fortunate the butt of our jokes. After all if we point out their weaknesses aren't we implicitly saying, "Hey look at me, I am better/faster/smarter than that freak." Maybe the misguided think so, not realizing they are robbing themselves of the balance of good Karma. After all, if that freak can't hear me then who am I hurting? Besides hurting myself and depleting my positive Karma balance, I can be assured that someone will hear or over hear me. Is this the person I want my child to see? Is this the person I want my child to become? I think not.
I'll never forget the fateful words my stepmonster uttered. I wonder if she remembers. One summer, my sister, my dear grandparents and I visited my sperm dad and the stepmonster in Dallas for about a week or two. It was a rather tense visit. She was a horrible housekeeper and we, I suppose, showed our displeasure a little too strongly by cleaning and scouring the room in which we were to stay. I mean washing down walls, scrubbing floors, the whole nine yards. It was not a very good start for anyone.
Further, I was about 17 a stranger to them almost an alien being, since this was really about their only experience with a teenager. Well, during the course of the visit, one of my boyfriends who was driving from Indiana to California decided to stop in Dallas to see me. We went off for a few hours (with permission) and by the time I came back(a half hour late) things were tense but not yet at the boiling point.
Forward to the next day or two and my sister and I were talking to some neighbor kids across the street. For some reason that starts this huge conflict between sperm donor and the stepmonster. I"ll forego the hairy details at this point but suffice it to say my sister was in tears, I was boiling mad and my grandparents were ready to pack up and get us the heck out of Dodge...or Dallas as the case may be.
So this long story leads to the fatefull words uttered by the stepmonster..."Its all in the upbringing." That little 5 word quote aimed at my mother has brought a lot of bad Karma to the speaker. My mother raised us two girls successfully, I believe. I am a college graduate, my sister is certified in her chosen field. We both have solid marriages, comfortable homes and wonderful children. All of our children who are in school are honor students and active in either sports or dance among other pursuits and are happy, healthy children.
The stepmonster spawned 3 children who all are now out of high school. I think that though none of them ever really wanted to be productive members of society, they did finally get jobs and the 2 oldest are married with trailers of their own. The middle one (the only girl) has had her child removed from her care at least once because the 2 year old was found wandering the streets while girl spawn was passed out in a drunken stupor. Lovely.
As I relieve myself of these thoughts I wonder...have I cast some negative Karma upon myself or am I just cleansing my mind. After all, I'm not recounting any untruths and I am not wishing any ill will in any direction. I refuse to be phony with these people. I have made abundantly clear my feelings towards them and feel my silence is civil. Thus brings me to my next crossroad.
The stepmonster is dying.
And I dont really care.
As the years crept by, I often entertained the thought of revisiting the campus perhaps during Homecoming which is the traditional time to return, but more and more I thought about going back during Rush. That was always a fun time even if it was a little stressful but I was getting the impression that my chapter needed some recruiting help. More and more, I found myself wanting to see the suite one more time yet not really taking many steps to fulfill that urge. Then this past weekend I received the dreaded letter that I knew was inevitable. My chapter was being de-activated on campus.
As I stated, I wasn't an exemplary alumnae, but somehow this news rather blindsided me. Knowing the suite was there, knowing there were girls there on campus with whom I had a connection, however tenuous, was somehow comforting to me.
With this news I find myself reflecting on various other losses I've endured. My grandparents, their dog Samantha with whom I was nearly inseperable during my childhood. I find it intriguing that although I was so close with Grandma, I find myself missing Grandpa so much more acutely.
I think Grandma and I were so close that we really had no unresolved issues between us. We were of a mind and on the same wavelenght. We were the best of friends and yet not really friends at all...we were more...we were in tune.
Grandpa was always there in the periphery. The solid figure off to the side or in the background. My rock. My foundation. My anchor. In a time when male figures drifted in and out of my life for better and for worse, Grandpa was always there. Perhaps not actively needed but always needed.
I dont in any way mean to compare the depth of my feelings for my dear Grandparents with the deactivation of my sorority chapter. One just seemed to trigger thoughts of the other. Even after these many years, I find strength in their presence. Just being able to conjure their image in my mind is comforting and settling like being wrapped in a warm blanket of safety. A fall back of sorts. When I find myself adrift in that great sea of unrest, their spirit is a haven in which I seek refuge for a small time to rejeuvenate and rearm myself for the next cruise.