It is about me:
clickMy Bloginality is INFJ
It's History
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01.12
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It seems to always be bad if he is at the computer. Once he vacates the chair, a generous spray of air freshener is always in order. I really try not to seat myself at the computer right after him if at all possible, but it isn't always something I can really avoid.
Strangely, though, lately our isp seems to be acting up and it always seems to be right after I've been on. ****Wierd aside- I just ate a cinnamon altoid...I didn't like it, blech**** It happened again today. I was happily blog skimming when Stinky said he wanted to quickly check something. Fine, I closed my page and gave up my seat. As soon as he touched the mouse, the connection was down, or at least the page he wanted wouldn't load. Hah. "I think the computer is tired of your stenchy-ass too," I told him.
I doubt if it will make a difference in his gas production, but it was worth a shot.
Well around here I do nearly all of the grilling so I guess I get to kick back with a cold brew too. Maybe I should go re-light the grill?
I was asked a couple of times if I would be going over to the "other" funeral home, but a small shake of my head was really all it took. Most of my cousins knew, or at least seemed to understand that I wouldn't go.
But, yes, the viewings were concurrent and in neighboring towns and the funerals the next morning were 30 minutes apart, designed to be at the gravesite concurrently too, I believe. Oh yes, I found out that she was to be buried 5 spaces away from Aunt P and a mere 3 spaces from my dear Grandma's resting place. Grandma must be having a fit in the great beyond. Heh.
As it turned out, the eulogy was beautiful but long and the other funeral was over by the time Aunt P was interred. All those remaining at the graveside were my sister, dad, his brother and my uncle's wife. They were waiting for our procession. In the end after the graveside ceremony, I gave him a quick hug and offered my condolences.
I know I spoke at length about the deceased monster, but it has been brought to my attention that my feelings for Dad were not touched upon. Honestly, I don't ever anticipate speaking to him again. If our paths cross, which is highly unlikely, I will be polite, but I am so over trying to establish any type of relationship. I think he knows that, too. He never asked my sister if I'd be there. Actually he didn't mention me at all. It's done.
Yesterday I got a call from my sister telling me that our Aunt had died. Aunt P. was the youngest sibling and only sister of my dear grandma and although I don't consider us to have been close, our relationship was always warm and comfortable. The viewing is Tuesday night and the funeral will be on Wednesday morning. I feel rather guilty that I am looking forward to going. Naturally I feel badly that she died but she was ailing and had a living will so her last wishes were respected and she must be in a better place now. I was just looking forward to seeing some cousins, aunts and uncles of whom I have lost track.
It seems that my sister is the conduit thru which information is relayed to me. I suppose it's because she has lived in the same house for close to 15 years and in that same time, I have lived in 2 states and 7 cities. She is the natural choice to stay in touch with but I do resent it somewhat. If anyone really wanted to stay in touch they could, but then I guess I haven't really made much of an effort either.
As I said, though I was sad that Aunt P. Is gone, I was looking forward to going and touching base with the living. Not so much anymore. A new day and a new phone call yielded news of another death. The stepmonster died this morning. Already the tension seems to be flowing and swirling around me threatening to pull me into this vortex of mean-spiritedness.
It seems that my sister is the conduit thru which information is relayed to me. I suppose it's because she has lived in the same house for close to 15 years and in that same time, I have lived in 2 states and 7 cities. She is the natural choice to stay in touch with but I do resent it somewhat. If anyone really wanted to stay in touch they could, but then I guess I haven't really made much of an effort either.
As I said, though I was sad that Aunt P. Is gone, I was looking forward to going and touching base with the living. Not so much anymore. A new day and a new phone call yielded news of another death. The stepmonster died this morning. Already the tension seems to be flowing and swirling around me threatening to pull me into this vortex of mean-spiritedness.
The viewing and funeral are scheduled for the same time as Aunt P.'S. I can't be in two places at once, and regardless of that, have vowed in the past and again today that I won't be there to shed a tear that I don't have or to lend support where none was ever given. I've already had words with my sister regarding this and then with my mother who thinks I should go to lend support to Dad. Now having made my decision to not go, I feel that I will spend too much time at Aunt P.'s defending my position and deflecting the looks.
Yet, if I do go, I will feel like I've sold myself out on what I believe in and what I stand for. But am I standing for mean-spiritedness? Am I being small to not forgive a woman I really think that I might hate and a man that I feel so indifferent about? Or do I really feel indifferent? Do I secretly want to hurt him by my absence? I think that very well could be part of it. I want to show once and for all how his repeated absences in my life and his half-assed attempts to rectify it were too little, too late. I wonder if I am feigning indifference to cover the hurt.
Ahhh, I don't know. I mean really, how many times can you give someone your email address? How many times has he written it down just to "lose" it again? I just don't want another funeral scene with me as the prima donna. Yes, it's happened before I'm loathe to admit it but, there it is. I got drunk at Grandpa's funeral and told Dad exactly what I thought of him, his wife and their worthless spawn.
I don't know what to do. Even now, sitting here reconsidering not going is making me hate myself. I know that in the politics of family its the right thing to do, but I also know that I will hate myself forever for giving in.
I don't get a lot of comments here, but if you have 2 cents worth to share, I'd love to hear it.
"When isn't it?" replied my Hero.
This tale is dichotomous and I've yet to decide if I will cover both parts in one entry, or even if I am able.
First, I hate how so many Americans can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground or a Korean from a Philipino from a Vietnamese. As recently as yesterday I heard someone say that "you can't tell them apart anyway." It's not that I have the market cornered on telling the difference, but jeez, I can get it straight more than 80% of the time!
A few weeks ago at the mall, I was stopped by some guy selling lotion. He had an accent that the American side of me couldn't place and he was trying to guess my origins. His guesses in this order were Brazillian, something that I can't remember, and Philipino. When the answer to all three was "no," he said that I must have been sunning a lot and was I more tan than normal. He was obviously not American.
If I haven't been clear enough as yet, let me elaborate on myself. I was born in America, raised here in the Midwest and until high school, I was the only Asian-type person in school. The only foreign languages I speak are school level French and some Latin and New testament Greek that I studied in college.
I don't really feel that I have rebuffed the Asian part of my heritage, but the only relatives I know are Mom and her sister whom I've met twice in my life. I don't really feel the urge to "visit the homeland," if the only option is Korea where I wouldn't know anyone and don't
speak the language. (Well, I can count to 10 and say mommy but that won't get me too far.) And why is it that no one dwells on the Anglo-Saxon side? That's just as strong, if not stronger. Dad is English and German and my maiden name comes straight off the German boat. I know why and so do you.
Yet I was surprised by an incident that happened in college. I was working at the front desk of our dorm when a lady walked thru the lobby, glanced at me and did a double take. She stopped and gave me a huge, condescending smile and said, "Are you Korean?" I said, "Yes, but only half." She then asked if I knew Kim Moon Park "he's Korean, too" she informed me. Well, lady at a school of 18 thousand students do you really think that all of us gooks know each other? That we all gravitate to some Eastern slope for secret goings-on? Then, continuing to smile that supercillious smile as if I were the cutest little Korean creature that she had ever seen, she says, "That's so sweet, you still have an accent." French? Midwestern twang? No0000, she couldn't mean a Korean accent, could she? Nearly twenty years later the incident still bugs me, can you tell?
I think the other part will have to come later. Tune in for more angst.
Anyone fired today? No.
Well, unless it was on Launchcast, I wouldn't have heard about an attack or anything. The neighbors all seem to be going about their business. Perhaps your company just felt like violating some fire codes?
1. It's Friday and the work week is over.
2. When I took off the cotton sweater that I wore to work today it had out-dentations from my boobies. Yeah! It was almost like proof that I have some.
3. Also when I removed said sweater and sniffed it it still smelled good and clean (even in the pits.) I've never been a stinky person (a good trait that runs in the family) and the sweater smelled like fresh cotton and the pit area smelled like deodorant.
4. Hubby gets off work early tonight so we will have some quality time together this evening which is rare now that we work opposite hours.
5. Miss Boo is at a sleepover tonight.
6. Dinner is in the oven and it will be goooood!
7. The "unhappy" list is short.
I'm unhappy that:
1. My kitty, Baby Jae, peed on the living room floor and I had to clean it up. The deal in this house is that if the dog makes a mess, Hubby cleans it up; if its a cat mess that can't be pinned on ET (Miss Boo's cat) then I have to clean it up. Just for the sake of being fair, we've never been able to pin anything on ET.
2. My feet hurt a little and I'm sleepy. I hope I can stay up for a decent amount of time.
who read this know I had the peachiest job for the past year. When I
moved my company decided to come along with me so to speak and let me
key orders from home when they needed the extra help. It was really
perfect. Start at 6 am and usually done by 2:30 without even getting
dressed if I didn't want to.
Well every yin has a yang and every great situation has a dark side.
I definately became more sedentary and I often felt the strong lack of
camaraderie in the workplace. Also, since the hours weren't steady,
neither was the income.
Fortunately, I found a job in an optometrist's office working in yet
another new aspect of the optical business. I really like it so far
and hope to learn a lot. We'll see how it goes.