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clickMy Bloginality is INFJ
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Yesterday I got a call from my sister telling me that our Aunt had died. Aunt P. was the youngest sibling and only sister of my dear grandma and although I don't consider us to have been close, our relationship was always warm and comfortable. The viewing is Tuesday night and the funeral will be on Wednesday morning. I feel rather guilty that I am looking forward to going. Naturally I feel badly that she died but she was ailing and had a living will so her last wishes were respected and she must be in a better place now. I was just looking forward to seeing some cousins, aunts and uncles of whom I have lost track.
It seems that my sister is the conduit thru which information is relayed to me. I suppose it's because she has lived in the same house for close to 15 years and in that same time, I have lived in 2 states and 7 cities. She is the natural choice to stay in touch with but I do resent it somewhat. If anyone really wanted to stay in touch they could, but then I guess I haven't really made much of an effort either.
As I said, though I was sad that Aunt P. Is gone, I was looking forward to going and touching base with the living. Not so much anymore. A new day and a new phone call yielded news of another death. The stepmonster died this morning. Already the tension seems to be flowing and swirling around me threatening to pull me into this vortex of mean-spiritedness.
It seems that my sister is the conduit thru which information is relayed to me. I suppose it's because she has lived in the same house for close to 15 years and in that same time, I have lived in 2 states and 7 cities. She is the natural choice to stay in touch with but I do resent it somewhat. If anyone really wanted to stay in touch they could, but then I guess I haven't really made much of an effort either.
As I said, though I was sad that Aunt P. Is gone, I was looking forward to going and touching base with the living. Not so much anymore. A new day and a new phone call yielded news of another death. The stepmonster died this morning. Already the tension seems to be flowing and swirling around me threatening to pull me into this vortex of mean-spiritedness.
The viewing and funeral are scheduled for the same time as Aunt P.'S. I can't be in two places at once, and regardless of that, have vowed in the past and again today that I won't be there to shed a tear that I don't have or to lend support where none was ever given. I've already had words with my sister regarding this and then with my mother who thinks I should go to lend support to Dad. Now having made my decision to not go, I feel that I will spend too much time at Aunt P.'s defending my position and deflecting the looks.
Yet, if I do go, I will feel like I've sold myself out on what I believe in and what I stand for. But am I standing for mean-spiritedness? Am I being small to not forgive a woman I really think that I might hate and a man that I feel so indifferent about? Or do I really feel indifferent? Do I secretly want to hurt him by my absence? I think that very well could be part of it. I want to show once and for all how his repeated absences in my life and his half-assed attempts to rectify it were too little, too late. I wonder if I am feigning indifference to cover the hurt.
Ahhh, I don't know. I mean really, how many times can you give someone your email address? How many times has he written it down just to "lose" it again? I just don't want another funeral scene with me as the prima donna. Yes, it's happened before I'm loathe to admit it but, there it is. I got drunk at Grandpa's funeral and told Dad exactly what I thought of him, his wife and their worthless spawn.
I don't know what to do. Even now, sitting here reconsidering not going is making me hate myself. I know that in the politics of family its the right thing to do, but I also know that I will hate myself forever for giving in.
I don't get a lot of comments here, but if you have 2 cents worth to share, I'd love to hear it.